Erratics Cricket Club Erratics v Metronomes on Sat 12 Aug 2023 at 2.00pm
Erratics Cricket Club Won by 40 Runs

Match report Erratics vs Metronomes, 13 August 2023

ERRATICS VS METRONOMES. The names of the teams suggested a clash of opposite styles – wayward brilliance vs orthodox rectitude. Something like England vs Australia 2023, perhaps. Or Ali vs Foreman. Or McEnroe vs Lendl. In the event, however, the Erratics displayed no particular tendency to err, while the Metronomes were only averagely metronomic. In short, the names of the teams proved to be irrelevant. They deserve no further comment. Almost certainly they deserved no comment in the first place. Yet comment has been passed, and has made its infinitesimal contribution to the universe's store of meaningless guff.

Here is a fact and not guff: the Metronomes won the toss and chose to field. They said they were worried that if they batted first the game might be over before tea, which showed a becoming modesty but not much grasp of the quality of their opposition.

So: out strode Kirby and Wright into the middle, beneath blustery skies. They saw off the opening pair of bowlers, displaying granite-like defence along with sharp running and some attractive back-foot stokes. In the end both were dismissed for 13 by Fitt, bowling off-spin at first change. We'd heard a bit about Fitt – to wit that Fitt was a bit good. It was true - he bowled accurately and with nice variation of pace and turn - but perhaps these two wickets owed something to the man's reputation.

Now Chave Sr and Ernie (Martin Sharland) were at the crease, and neither looked like getting out. Chave mixed stylish late cuts with equally stylish on-drives, while Ernie played each ball on its merits, blocking the good ones and punishing the bad ones. It all looked so easy. So *obvious*. I mean, why would you do anything else – like, say, take a wild heave at a slow, straight ball with eyes closed, left foot forward and head thrust back in the manner of a figure-skater at the end of a medal-winning routine?

In the end Chave was caught at midwicket for 49 after mistiming a slow, high full-toss; it was the only mistake of his innings.

By this time the Metronomes's strike bowler, Bernie Wilson, was in action. His very slow, very accurate deliveries proved deadly to one Erratic batter after another: Squire, Chave Jr, Grant and BYB all succumbed. Chave Jr was out for a golden duck, caught in the covers as he valiantly tried to impart energy to an almost wholly inert ball. Grant, who until then had looked in dangerous form, picked out a fielder at the long-on boundary. BYB was bowled while rehearsing the figure-skating pose outlined above. Only Ernie/Martin, who scored a richly deserved half-century, survived the Bernie onslaught.

The Erratics were all out for 169, which is 13 squared. There were 13 extras and three Erratics batsmen each scored 13 runs.

After a tea whose highlight for your correspondent was the 13 different cakes and doughnuts (courtesy of Grant) he consumed, the Erratics took to the field. Crawford and Webb opened the bowling. Both rapidly found a line and a length. Not just any old line and length, which is quite easy, but a good line and a good length. Crawford's teasing away-drifters perfectly complemented Webb's penetrating off-breaks. Wickets fell, including those of the best two Metronome batters: De Beer, caught in the covers with extreme nonchalance by Ernie/Martin, and Fitt, caught with only slightly less sang-froid by M. Wright.

Grant and Squire came on at first and second change, both striking early in their spells. Grant went on to find the edge of Blyth's bat roughly thirteen times in thirteen balls, without also finding the hands of a fielder. His stress hormone levels must have been spiking dangerously, yet he showed no outward sign of displeasure. Is he a Zen master?

Chave Jr and Yarde-Buller were the next Erratics bowling duo. Chave enjoys bowling to left-handers. His eyes light up like those of a lion caught on night-vision camera at a Serengeti waterhole. One teeming with defenceless baby impalas. I wonder what his bowling average is against lefties. He probably knows. Anyhow, the last four Gnomes wickets fell – Chave and BYB taking two each – leaving them 41 runs short of the Erratics total.

And that, after a pint at The Manor, was that. It had been a friendly and very enjoyable afternoon of cricket and prime numbers.


Erratics Cricket Club Erratics Batting
Player Name RunsMB4s6sSRCtStRo
5nb 3w 2b 3lb 
for 9 wickets
Jonathan Kirby st G Fitt 13 27 1 48.15
Martin Wright ct G Fitt 13 42 1 30.95 1
A.N. Other Not Out  50 79 3 63.29 1
Duncan Chave ct L Rees 49 56 6 87.50 2
Chris Squire ct B Wilson 1 3 33.33
Fraser Chave ct B Wilson 0 1 0
Lee Grant ct B Wilson 14 10 2 140.0
Ben Yarde-Buller b B Wilson 13 14 2 92.86
Matt Crawford ct M Coleman 2 7 28.57 1
Sean Webb ct M Parker 0 4 0
A.N. Other  

Metronomes Bowling

Player nameOversMaidensRunsWicketsAverageEconomy
M Coleman6.0014114.002.33
N Blyth3.001100.003.67
G Fitt8.021326.501.62
M Parker5.2028128.005.25
S Hurbury4.002500.006.25
T Roche4.002700.006.75
B Wilson6.002245.503.67
L Rees3.0023123.007.67

Metronomes Batting
Player name RMB4s6sSR
3nb 4w 9b  
for 9 wickets
128 (32.5 overs)
L Rees b M Crawford 0
G De Beer ct M Crawford 11
J Himsworth ct C Squire 8
G Fitt ct S Webb 14
M Parker b L Grant 1
N Blyth ct B Yarde-Buller 53
T Roche b F Chave 10
S Horbury ct B Yarde-Buller 2
M Coleman b F Chave 5
B Wilson Not Out  8

Erratics Cricket Club Erratics Bowling

Player NameOversMaidensRunsWicketsAverageEconomy
Matt Crawford4.011025.002.50
Sean Webb5.0123123.004.60
Lee Grant6.0225125.004.17
Chris Squire4.0016116.004.00
Fraser Chave7.0122211.003.14
Ben Yarde-Buller6.5123211.503.37