Kenn v Erratics Cricket Club Erratics on Sat 16 Sep 2006 at 2pm
Erratics Cricket Club Lost 3 wickets

Match report by Jonathan Kirby

"It smells of sex and liniment in here" said Professor Captain Thomson of the Erratics' changing room at the end of the day.
Had the afternoon been as exciting as one might suppose from this remark? Read on, dear friend, and find out....

Earlier in the day, Thomson's hand had been forced by the late arrival of three Erratics. We batted first, clearly unable to field with only 8 players. Horne and McRae began promisingly, but the two opening bowlers were good, and when a ball went in the air, it went to a fielder (who caught it), and no fewer than three of the first five batsmen walked after nicking the finest of nicks to the keeper.

There's not much you can say about a score of 48 for 8 after 18 overs. Or is there? In fact "paper, paper, someone get me some paper" was my cry as I was back in the pavilion with the scorebook, and quotable quotes were flying thick and fast. At least, that's how it seemed at the time.

"Actually, I'm not too bothered about the score" said Thomson. "When we're playing like this and it happens, we just have to go with it." Or something like that. The truth is that no Erratic batted particularly rashly, and all were out to really good balls. Maybe Sam Cook was a little bit guilty of youthful enthusiasm, but only a bit. At least it was a warm and sunny autumn afternoon. "Not great weather for ducks", except that we managed five of them. "Bring On The Gimps". Where did that come from? It's not a reference to an obscure song by Judy Collins...

...Sam and Oliver of the well-known Radio Flyers, were on the quest for a new band name. "Tequila Mockingbird"... "Peer Gimp"... "The Whizzers"... there was quantity, if not quality. Meanwhile I was scoring, which is a bit of a struggle these days without reading glasses. In fact, when I was asked the score, I was unable to read it, not that this prompted any fellow Erratic to take over from me. I simply heard the remark "just as well", for we were still on our way to that heady score of 48 for 8.

"If you were orpen to see more, you'll have been disappointed" quipped Oliver Kirby of Simon's brief innings. Graciously, Orpen resisted the temptation to the obvious physical response to such a remark, and coached Oliver on the wisdom of NOT taunting a batsmen who's just out. Simon's wisdom was lost on me, however, and when Pearson was back in the pavilion I asked him if his clean bowled had been an intentional leave. Luckily, he didn't hear.

Oliver's own stay at the crease was brief, though it brought a couple of well-struck runs. As he returned, Orpen said "Oliver, we wanted more", a comment that clearly smarted. "You see" said Orpen, "that's what it feels like". "You bitter man" replied Oliver.

From all of this you may have wrongly guessed that the Erratics batting was all over. Not at all. The Kenn Captain offered to let us all bat again in order to get a decent score on the board and "make an afternoon of it". Such generosity - ha! As if we needed it! It was almost as if Penny Price and Erratic Neophyte Sam Willis heard this and took umbrage. They proceeded to add 97 runs for the ninth wicket, before Willis was out for an excellent 54. "She beasted that" said Oliver of one of Penny's boundaries in her highest Erratics score of 31. Simon kindly took over the scoring duties at that point. The non-stop commentary was getting to me. However, I was there to hear Thomson declare "I can't get anything to stay up" as he prepared his battle dress for his innings.

We made 151, in the end, and we only batted once. Whether this unexpectedly high score was due to the excellence of our batting or the charity of the Kenn captain, bowlers and fielders, I am too polite to ponder.

Tea was really very good indeed. Personally, I think Kenn give Stoke-in-Teignhead a very good run for the money, and I am hungry to play the fixture again next year.

0 for 2 was excellent also, with Pearson bowling the Kenn Captain with a top-spinner (or was it a shooter?) and Sam Cook blasting out the middle stump of the number 2 batsman.

Maybe Linda would be proved wrong? She had declined to accompany Simon this afternoon, having a premonition about it being a duff game. She had preferred to stay in and watch old black and white movies, apparently.

At this point, however, dismay sets in. This is because I have just turned the page of the scorebook and discovered that no-one copied our bowling figures, nor even the details of the Kenn batting. I'll have to make something up...

"The bowlers bowled well", said that most harsh of critics of Erratic bowling, Captain Thomson. They weren't always lucky, for the Kenn batsmen found space where we had found fielders.
MMMIIIIINEEE yelled McRae... in perfect Strine. But the next word out of his mouth began with an f and ended with a k as he dropped a potential caught and bowled that would have seen him remove the two danger batsmen in two balls. He later caught a stunner out of the sun, as did both Orpen and Turner. Talking of stunners, Oliver gets another mention as a huge throw from the boundary missed the stumps, but landed directly on the head of the umpire who was standing right next to them, and was somehow unaware of the incoming missile. Stunningly, he wasn't stunned. I have to say I certainly was - to see him still standing, I think I wasn't alone in that. They're clearly made of stern stuff in Kenn.

The result? Well, the main result of the afternoon was the debut of Sam Willis. After his 54, he also bowled extremely well for 8 overs. Penny's 31 was another result, as was Sam Cook's bowling. However, in the end Kenn were able to romp home with about ten overs to spare, albeit with only 3 wickets remaining. It might have been closer, it could also have been a lot worse. And I have no idea about the sex or the liniment.

Erratics Cricket Club Erratics Batting
Player Name RunsMB4s6sSRCtStRo
for 10 wickets
Ken Horne ct Connett 14
Andrew McRae ct McKeowan 0
Matt Turner ct McKeowan 10
Sam Cook ct Connett 0
Jonathan Kirby ct McKeowan 0
Sam Willis ct Passmore 54
Simon Orpen b McKeowan 0
John Pearson b Muir 0
Oliver Kirby ct Muir 2
Penny Price ct Muir 31
Peter Thomson Not Out  4

Kenn Bowling

Player nameOversMaidensRunsWicketsAverageEconomy
No records to display.

Kenn Batting
Player name RMB4s6sSR
for 7 wickets
152 (0.0 overs)

Erratics Cricket Club Erratics Bowling

Player NameOversMaidensRunsWicketsAverageEconomy
No records to display.