Scorecard

Belstone v Erratics Cricket Club Erratics on Wed 28 May 2025 at 6.15pm
Erratics Cricket Club Lost by 8 Runs

Match report “If I had half the batting talent these guys do, I wouldn’t bat like a twat”
- Prof Mark Hailwood, OBE

Part I: Fraser the Prophet and the Return of Shaq
As per tradition (and perhaps divine prophecy), Fraser confidently declared pre-match that he'd lose the toss and we’d be in the field. True to his clairvoyant powers and complete lack of luck, he did, and we were. “Your friend is here,” he added, nodding towards the most polite destroyer of bowling attacks Devon has ever seen – the one and only Shaquan Glasgow, direct from Barbados with a bat in one hand and a halo in the other.
We took the field, and it was time for the usual Hailwood special: slow, steady, and sneakily effective. Mark Hailwood bowled like a metronome programmed by Gandhi – calm, consistent, and moral. He poked at the oversized egos of the A Division batters like a man tapping a lion on the nose with a teaspoon. He even induced a mistimed lofted shot off Glasgow, but alas, Lee decided to spice things up by turning a difficult catch at long-on into performance art and dropped it.
Now, under some strange local rule clearly invented on the back of a beer mat, retire-at-25 meant Glasgow was only taking a breather – not out. He’d be back. Great.
The first oddity of the day? An umpire casually scoring on an iPad mid-match. Not just between balls – during them. One can only assume he was live-streaming himself while missing every LBW shout. Meanwhile, the other umpire declared, “We’ll be generous with the wides.” Turns out “generous” meant giving away wides like Oprah giving out cars – when we bowled. When they bowled, even if it bounced twice, clipped square leg’s shoelace, and landed in Plymouth – still not a wide.
Despite the mobile umpiring unit and the Glasgow comeback, we had them at 99-5 from 15 overs. Then Glasgow reappeared, like a mid-boss in a video game. But some clutch bowling from Lee G, the Skipper, and yours truly meant we clawed it back and restricted them to 129 in 20 overs.
Highlight of the day for me? Shaq Glasgow once again tried to send me into orbit – and once again, I clean bowled him. Was it skill? No. Was it raw pace? Absolutely not. Was it a pitch so dead it might’ve been made of wet cardboard? Bingo. But I'll take it.
We were quietly confident chasing 130. In hindsight, we should have been loudly worried. Spoiler: we couldn’t have been more wrong if we’d turned up to a football pitch in pads.

Part II: A Chasable Total and a Spectacular Lack of Chasing
The Erratics began their chase with all the steadiness of a beginner tightrope walker in a hurricane. Not so much “steady scoring” as “steadily losing wickets.” First to go was Jon Perkin, whose off stump was politely removed by a ball that bounced as much as a Sunday roast. He stood there, looking down at the crime scene like a man who’d just locked his keys in the car.
Lee G then stepped up with hopes of restoring order, only to fall victim to a spectacular catch at short mid-wicket — the kind of catch that makes you applaud while quietly thinking, how very dare you. The fielder ran in from square leg like he'd just remembered he left the oven on, diving forward to pluck it out of nowhere.
Then came your ever-hopeful reporter and Fraser Chave. “Let’s just have some fun,” we said — which is cricket code for we’re in deep trouble, but at least let’s go down swinging. We braced ourselves for an onslaught of hostile fast bowling but were instead treated to a buffet of double-bounce half-trackers that wouldn’t have looked out of place in a village under-11s match. Chris Gayle wouldn’t have played these; he’d have asked for a refund.
My fun ended quickly – Glasgow got his revenge, meaning I’m still ahead 2-1 in our personal saga. I chipped one tamely to mid-off, muttered something about pitch demons, and trudged off. Fraser, however, was having a good time, casually dismantling the bowling with all the elegance of a man choosing cheeses at a deli counter. He cruised to 26 and retired like a cricketer on holiday – job done, sun’s out.
With 40 needed off the last few overs, up stepped Andrew Forrester. First act? Smack Shaq Glasgow back over midwicket. Somewhere, the Belstone scorer, who’d clearly been waiting for his moment, yelled “Fetch that, Shaq!” – easily the quote of the day and probably the month.
Once Fraser had taken his mandatory break, it was down to Andrew and Mark to steer the ship. They gave it a valiant crack, swinging, sprinting and improvising like jazz musicians under pressure. But in the end, it was 10 runs too far, and Belstone took the win by 9 runs.
In conclusion: we laughed, we cried, we misjudged the bounce. But mostly, we proved that losing with style is still losing – but at least it makes for a better story.

Part III: Behind the Stumps – The Chat Show Nobody Asked For, But Everyone Got
Now, while all of the above was technically a cricket match, the Erratics’ batters were also treated to a different kind of entertainment – a live, extended episode of “This Is Your Life”, starring the Belstone wicketkeeper T. Burns and his loyal sidekick L. Harrison.
While we were desperately trying to read the pitch (spoiler: it wasn’t readable), these two were having what can only be described as a countryside fireside catch-up, right behind the stumps. But this wasn’t just the usual keeper-to-slip muttering — no, no. This was a full-blown podcast. Topics included rugby, Eton, various school seniors, failed football careers, academic migrations, relationship updates and — notably absent — cricket.
“I think they’ve forgotten that we’re here,” Fraser whispered, wiping sweat off his brow as we battled both the dry bounce of the pitch and the heavy bounce of conversation behind us.
At first, I was mildly annoyed. But by the end of two overs, I was fully hooked. I can now reliably report to all readers that L. Harrison has secured a rugby scholarship to Maryland University in the U.S. via a sports agency here in the UK. “The standard isn’t particularly high so I’d be one of the better players on the rosters,” he offered confidently. The jury’s out on modesty.
Burns, not one to be left out of a highlight reel, chimed in with “I almost went to play football on a similar program,” and then immediately dropped what can only be described as elite-level gossip: “Erin’s boyfriend was in my year,” before adding — with the timing of a stand-up comedian — “She’s newly single, by the way.”
At some point, Burns casually announced he’d once scored 5 goals in 20 minutes against some unnamed team in an unknown division. Sadly, I was too focused on trying not to edge the ball to third slip to find out who or where. Just before my inevitable dismissal, Burns mentioned his ton against Eton — a revelation that visibly rocked Harrison to his core. He paused mid-sentence, blinked twice, and muttered something along the lines of, “You what?!”
It was unclear whether Burns was aiming to distract us or just couldn’t resist narrating his sporting autobiography, but either way, it was oddly wholesome. If the runs didn’t come easily, at least the stories did. And in true Erratics spirit, we left the field slightly behind on the scoreboard, but fully up to date on the social and sporting CVs of two young men we may never see again.

Belstone Batting
Player name RunsMB4s6sSR
extras
TOTAL :
4nb 7w 2b  
for 9 wickets
13
128 (20.0 overs)		     
Andrew Hooper b  M Hailwood 3 8 37.50
Lewie Harrison run out  (F Chave) 0 1 0
Shaquan Glasgow b  A Tiwari 38 24 3 3 158.33
Marcus Walters ct  M Hailwood 0 1 0
Kian Burns ct  M Hailwood 8 6 1 133.33
Dave Smallacombe Not Out  32 31 5 103.23
Matt Dennis Retired Not Out  25 21 4 119.05
Abigail Drake b  A Tiwari 5 22 22.73
Richard Drake b  L Grant 0 2 0
Dan King b  L Grant 0 1 0
Tallan Burns b  L Grant 4 7 57.14

Erratics Cricket Club Erratics Bowling

Player NameOversMaidensRunsWicketsAverageEconomy
Fraser Chave4.011800.004.50
Mark Hailwood4.002939.677.25
Anuj Tiwari4.001829.004.50
Martin Weiler2.001400.007.00
Lee Grant4.002337.675.75
Paul Carr2.002400.0012.00

Erratics Cricket Club Erratics Batting
Player Name RMB4s6sSRCatchesStumpingsRun outs
extras
TOTAL :
3nb 11w 1b  
for 6 wickets
15
120		        
Richard Lindsay ct  L Harrison 7 16 43.75
Jon Perkin b  A Drake 2 6 33.33
Lee Grant ct  M Dennis 22 17 4 129.41 1
Matt Crawford b  L Harrison 3 7 42.86
Matthew Hewson ct  A Drake 0 1 0
Anuj Tiwari ct  S Glasgow 22 27 2 81.48
Fraser Chave Retired Not Out  26 17 3 152.94 1 1
Andrew Forrester Not Out  9 12 1 75.00
Mark Hailwood Not Out  14 20 1 70.0
Martin Weiler  
Paul Carr  

Belstone Bowling

Player nameOversMaidensRunsWicketsAverageEconomy
Lewie Harrison4.001527.503.75
Abigail Drake4.0024212.006.00
Matt Dennis3.0024124.008.00
Marcus Walters2.001400.007.00
Dan King2.001700.008.50
Shaquan Glasgow3.0013113.004.33
Dave Smallacombe2.001200.006.00