Ottery St.Mary v Erratics Cricket Club Erratics on Sun 14 Aug 2022 at 1.30pm
Erratics Cricket Club Won by 7 Wickets

Match report By order of The Selector: Macho Reporto

The Selector says we need to dissociate match reports from the taint of femininity they have acquired under the influence of ******, ******, ***, and others. We need to align them instead with a kind of hairy masculinity.

Lilies, cakes, and bucolic references are out. We need blood, battle, sex, hunts, death. Manly things. And to treat manly things properly, this match report requires an appropriately manly style. Out with girly adjectives, rapt similes, elaborate metaphors, ethereal ruminations. In with curt observation, plain sentences, icy repetition.

"F*** it. Can it be done?" he asked. "Yes" he ejaculated! "I will be clear. I will omit needless words. I won't overwrite. I'll avoid fancy phrases. And I'll use the active voice. That'll make it MACHO.”

"Can it be done?" he repeated icily. "Yes" he insisted. Insistently.

Let's go...

On 14th August, the Erratics put the young of Ottery St Mary to the sword.

First they bullied them with the ball. Ottery had no answer to the violent pace of Hailwood and Kirby who tore through half the side between them. Alone, former Teign Valley stalwart Bob Cope stood on the burning deck defiant to the end. Manly. Macho. Foster had given half a hundred in hope, but he perished, stumps smashed, ogling a ball rather than hammering it to the boundary. The butchery was complete.

Then the Erratics bashed them with the bat, mercilessly hunting down the required runs. Mercilessly.

Ottery smarted from the pain James inflicted on them. (STOP! Overly-clever attempt at another pun. Not macho enough.) Erratics batters pierced the field repeatedly. The sell-swords from Stoke-in-Teignhead gave bloody account of themselves. Molins murdered the ball. Chave did not bat.

But in the end there was beer. And biscuits. There was back-slapping. There was companionship among comrades in arms. There was dignity. Nobility too. There had been an excellent tea. The players departed in friendship. And it had been scorching hot.

That's enough.


NB A.N. Other was Chacko John, from Stoke-in-Teignhead, like Putmo.

Ottery St.Mary Batting
Player name RunsMB4s6sSR
2nb 13w 2b 1lb 
for 10 wickets
134 (33.5 overs)
N Foster b  Ogley 50
D Gleason ct  & B. Hailwood 9
Z Carstairs ct  F Chave B. Hailwood 11
C Nanckivell b  Hailwood 0
O Triner ct  F Chave B. Ogley 0
W Russell ct  Smart B. Kirby 10
S Morgan b  Smart 1
S Upsher b  John 13
T Miskin ct  & B. Kirby 0
T Jeacock ct  BYB B. F Chave 19
B Cope Not Out  3

Erratics Cricket Club Erratics Bowling

Player NameOversMaidensRunsWicketsAverageEconomy
Mark Hailwood7.0042314.006.00
Ben Yarde-Buller4.012200.005.50
Mat Ogley5.501929.503.26
James Smart5.00818.001.60
Jonathan Kirby4.001527.503.75
Roger Putman2.00800.004.00
Fraser Chave3.0115115.005.00
A.N. Other3.01212.000.67

Erratics Cricket Club Erratics Batting
Player Name RMB4s6sSRCatchesStumpingsRun outs
1nb 9w 5b 4lb 
for 3 wickets

(24.1 overs)
Anuj Tiwari ct  Triner 9 9 2 100
James Smart Retired Not Out  54 55 8 1 98.18 1
Ben Yarde-Buller ct  Triner 5 12 1 41.67 1
A.N. Other b  Russell 23 30 3 76.67
Roger Putman Not Out  25 25 4 100
Paul Molins Not Out  10 13 2 76.92
Mat Ogley  
Fraser Chave   2
Mark Hailwood   1
Andrew Forrester  
Jonathan Kirby   1

Ottery St.Mary Bowling

Player nameOversMaidensRunsWicketsAverageEconomy
D Gleeson6.002600.004.33
S Morgan1.00500.005.00
O Triner5.0028214.005.60
W Russell6.0039139.006.50
B Cope5.001700.003.40
N Foster1.00600.006.00
Z Carstairs0.10400.0024.00